Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
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“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon