I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
You Might Also Like
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
stand with me against insufficient seating
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.