Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
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There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
How wrong was this guy?
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs