My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
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death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??