People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
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4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.