Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
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My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*