How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
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One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.