Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
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How funny!
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
sensitive skin
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex