[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
You Might Also Like
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot