– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
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Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
This kinda thing happens to me often
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.