Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
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Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.