It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
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The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.