I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
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Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.