True
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*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.