2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
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I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Don’t make me out nice you.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Hot hot hot 🥵
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.