If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
i wish i could marry a nap
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.