I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
You Might Also Like
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy