After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
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I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.