Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
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Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Simple
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies