[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
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My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
If I win Poweball we鈥檙e all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai鈥ake!
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
my proudest tweet
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
馃ぃ馃ぃ
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.