coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
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tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.