Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
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My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Natty or not?
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I put the h in mysterious.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.