I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
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Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.