jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
You Might Also Like
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf