sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
The real reason evolution started..😂
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]