I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
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OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
The best plant holders?
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.