Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
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Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
How software testing works
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.