My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
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In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.