Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
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Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
A French press is when you hug naked
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process