I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
![]()
You Might Also Like
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
![]()
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.