My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
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Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Autocorrect is my menesis
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit