Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
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I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests