Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
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Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me