Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
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All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
❤️🦆
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic