Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
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You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.