Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
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Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.