Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
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I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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.
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I still have Pringles?
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold