Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
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“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.