Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
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I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea