{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
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i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
awkward
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.