what’s more important?
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We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
🤣🤣💀
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.