Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
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2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.