Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
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I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?