He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
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Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
$4 #usedbooks
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks