i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
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COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.