*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
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Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.