the three branches of government
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Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Match dot com, but for socks.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
I think they could have phrased this better
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*