I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
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*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
My wedding will be open casket.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Usage Guidelines
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.