[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
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M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
my mom making me talk to relatives
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?