Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
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No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes